Recent life events have caused me to think heavily about relationships, especially among younger women who may not know, just yet, who they are in this world. High school through the early 20s is such a vulnerable time in a girl’s life. Especially in this new day and age of Instagram and social media. We are constantly exposed to the the pretty portion of people’s lives and it’s sometimes hard to see that this does not, by any means, paint the entire picture (learn more about that here). This may cause unnecessary insecurities that can carry over to how we interact with men, and what we permit or not permit from them.
I remember being an undergrad and going through a really bad “relationship” (quotations b/c it was a relationship for me but not for him) where I was constantly justifying his actions for one reason or another. I realize now that those justifications were based in a way, in my insecurities and of course my strong feelings didn’t help. But the Sherez of 2017 would never and I literally mean NEVER permit any male, female, cat, dog, ant, or Jesus himself, to treat me that way. I just know myself at 26 years old, and I know what I deserve and it’s easy to accept nothing less.
20 year old Sherez was still trying to find her niche in the world and accepted less than ideal treatment from others.
After talking with many of my girlfriends and living through their not so ideal relationships as well, I realize that I was not the only one who went through that phase of growth. Maybe it’s inevitable and we all need to go through it in order to grow. But shit, it was not a fun time. And if I can help other young 20 year olds see what their 26 year old self would say to them, I’m all for it. (I totally just wanted to say “help other young 20 year olds reach criterion faster ….. OMG too much Processing Instruction -___-).
So I’ve compiled a list of treatments that you probbbbbably shouldn’t accept from any guy that you date, or whatever it is the young kids do these days.
1. Never let a guy take away your independence.
Luckily this has never happened to me, but if someone is questioning everything you do, when you do it, who you do it with and why… they gotta go. If you want to go out wiith friends, to the mall, to a cafe, on vacation, you don’t need to ask permission. I’m not saying just pack your bags and peace out with no discussion of the matter. But you should be able to do things that make you happy, even if it’s by yourself or with your friends. I’ve traveled to Peru, Sudan, Spain and Italy alone and I am in a committed relationship of basically 6 years. We are two separate beings that complement each other. But just like chocolate goes well with red wine, those two things are also delicious on their own.
2. If he asks you “are you cheating on me” or “who are you texting” or goes through your phone…. he gotta go.
Typically, if someone asks you if you’re cheating on them it’s because they’re cheating on you. And this actually has happened to me. Here I was, thinking “aw that’s so cute, X likes me so much that he doesn’t want to see me with anyone else.” (I was clearly delusional) That may have been the case, but X also knew how the game worked because he was the king of running game haha. When you know you’re doing something wrong, you don’t want that same thing to happen to you. So it’s kinda like, their shady actions cause them to feel shady and insecure and they take that out on you. Also, if either of you feel the need to go through the others phone…. something ain’t right.
*Disclaimer – if you actually are cheating and they ask you.. that’s “a whole nother” situation. Don’t go telling him that Sherez told you that HE was cheating on YOU.
3. In terms of interracial dating, if a guy is dating you (and you’re of a different race than him) because he hates women of his own race….. he gotta go.
No, this is not specifically aimed at black men who date white women. But this has also happened to me (haha rough life), so I can speak from experience. Think of it this way. If a guy hates women of his own race, then that basically means that he hates a part of himself. Last time I checked, men don’t make babies alone. So what does that say about the dynamic between him and his mom or sisters? It could also mean he’s kind of fetishizing (dk if that’s a word, but it is now) you. And you don’t want that. Never has my partner made me feel as if he was dating me BECAUSE I was black. But rather, it’s more like he accepts ME and I just so happen to be black, but he’s not with me because I’m black. You see the difference?
Continuing on with other aspects of this problem, giving a specific example that I’ve heard from men in my own family (INFINITE EYE ROLL), when guys say stuff like “White girls are winning” or “I only date light-skinned women,” or “nobody wants to date black girls bc they’re angry, loud, aggressive and don’t have nice hair, blah blah.” First of all, they should be castrated on the SPOT. But what that’s saying about you is basically, you’re quiet and more controllable. So do you realllyyyy want to be with someone who’s with you for the pure ability to insert their wannabe male dominance? I. Think. Not.
(Trust me, this one could be an entire blog post on its own. But I’ll spare you all a rant… for now)
4. If a guy doesn’t respect your culture/ heritage and-or has NO interest in it…. he gotta go.
Obviously if you’re 3rd generation American and you’re like 10% Irish, 20% Jewish, 5.7 % Spaniard, etc. etc., that’s different. But I’ve seen this a lot in my Latina friends who date non-Latino men. Your culture plays a HUUUUUGE role in who you are, how you behave, your beliefs, your reactions… YOU. So if someone has no interest in your culture; in a way they’re not interested in getting to know the real you. And most likely, if you’re not white, your people face some serious struggles and social injustices, and if he’s not interested.. you know the drill. I’m fortunate enough to be with someone who is all for “the struggle” and who does research on his own about the things that black people and women go through. When I’m out marching and protesting, he’s by my side. When I’m crying from seeing so many injustices done to my people, he comforts me and he gets it. I have also taken huge strides to learn and understand his culture. A huge part of why I wanted to be fully fluent in Spanish was to be able to communicate with his family bc being “yourself” in another language is nooooo easy task my friends. But we’ll save “learning that language of your partner” for another blog post – coming soon!
So my friends, there’s so much more I can say but tu sabe’, people don’t read no-more so I’ve been trying to keep it “short.”
The things I listed here can easily go both ways. I am not a “man hater,” I’m actually a human hater… so don’t come for me.
As always, happy reading (it’s good for the brain). And sharing never hurt nobody (yes I love double negatives, girl bye) so please share and if you like, subscribe! ❤